In this week’s episode, I talk to Tonderai Chiyindiko about why men lie about sex. We explore how this is informed by the socialisation of men into sex and what the various manifestations of this are, in broader society and in intimate relationships.
We also explore the contradictions and the skewedness of the socialisation of boys and girls, especially around virginity and sexual expression; we talk about whether boys also ‘lose’ their virginity; and begin to unpack the shame around vaginas, for both men and women.
Here are some highlights of the conversation:
2:06 – We chat about how the lies about sex begin while boys are still teenagers, primarily as a means to belong and fit in among “the boys”.
7:17 – We explore how “we’ve equated manhood or the meaning of being a man to his ability to have had or to have sex” and how in some African communities, men are celebrated for having contracted sexually transmitted infections as this serves as proof of them having had sex.
16:58 – We begin to explore the shame around vaginas, for both men and women; exploring how vaginas are considered ugly, dirty and taboo; and how some men would lie about going down on their partners.
45:00 – Tonderai shares how he’s been able to get himself started on this journey of sexual liberation, and thus allowing himself to be vulnerable, sexually, and open to learning and being taught new things, as a Black, African, Shona man.
53:50 – We chat about how “sexually, women are taught shame. Women carry shame. For men, it is the ego.”
55:56 – We begin to explore virginity; how our society links this to the value and worth of women; and how it plays out in intimate relationships.
Listen to it all at button below!
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